Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”