My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.