Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

💻🤡

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

Important reminders

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

🤣🤣

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”