My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Close call…
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?