Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

plums roundup

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Uh oh 👀

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.