Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

So we got a goldfish…

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.