Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

ㅤ

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.