Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.