Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.