My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Google Pay be like:
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Straight people are cancelled
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.