My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
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Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
This is my bus stop.
