Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol