Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.