Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.