My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
You Might Also Like
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The glockness monster
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
