Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.