Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.