*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.