Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?