My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
“Why you watching this shit?”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.