My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
You Might Also Like
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.