My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Bear
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
