My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
