Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem