My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
You Might Also Like
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.