My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is