my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.