My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
cat vs inanimate object
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Sponch
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I think this should do it.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?