My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
