My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
When you kidnap a writer.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
? 💀
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces