My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT