Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

I am never leaving this website

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.