Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

My husband asked me whether his snoring ever disrupts my sleep and I said no and he responded “ok, I was just wondering if we were BOTH doing that to each other . . .”

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!