My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Last-minute gift idea!
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv