My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Oh thanks BBC.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit