My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
You Might Also Like
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.