My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
this is the best day of my life
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.