My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Wikigenius
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.