Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

*orders delivery*

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better