Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

the three branches of government

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.