My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Somebody’s lying.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.