Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.