My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.