Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Finally

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.