Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

cats when you pet them too long:

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why