My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential