Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

he’s sick of your bullshit today

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.