Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’