Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]