@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

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@StevenAndrais

Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*

@Phillylawyer7

Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet

@NewDadNotes

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

@XplodingUnicorn

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

@robin_991

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

@d2BMcG

You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it

@FU_TangClan

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

@iwearaonesie

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?