My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?