My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
The “baby” on the left….
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back