my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
You Might Also Like
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.