my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Sure. Why not?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.