Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

whatcha thinkin bout

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!