Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

where do you see yourself in five years?

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.