my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
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Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?