Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.