My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
