My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.