@ItalianBratikus

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

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@RoseStokes

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

@pearlykim

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@Marlebean

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

@PaulyPeligroso

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@fridaycandy

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?