My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.


I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?


I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.


I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning


If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.


These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.


I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .


ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?