Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

long lost

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

you’re so productive for your wage

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.