Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.