Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS