Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

me before I type out affect or effect

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?