Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”