Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.