my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
