my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
