my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
